The HPS Guide to Travelling with Children
At an impromptu meeting of the great and good here at Hotel Price Scanner Towers, it was suggested by one nameless individual called Phil, that our site blog was bordering on the redundant. It’s all very well having a blog, but we really ought to think about actually writing some stuff to go on it.
Everyone who agreed said aye. Bring out the digestives and cue brainstorm.
Three days later, we were all in agreement. An article offering advice on travelling with children would be our editorial offering of the week. And this was very much one for yours truly. As a father of three mad-eyed, dribbling, noise-polluting maniacs I am the perfect person to offer advice to parents considering travelling with young kids, and that advice is simply this: don’t. You’ll only end up killing someone.
So that, you would think, was that. Apparently not, as I am reliably informed that there are some parents who actually care enough about their children to not leave them at home with the dog to fend for themselves. Political correctness gone mad! So, for the benefit of these weirdos, I offer this advice:
1. When travelling on a morning flight, under no circumstances should you keep the little folks awake all night on the assumption that they’ll then sleep on the plane. The misguided tactic only ever results in Mr Jones from the seat in front spending the entire flight fighting the urge to stab your bundle of joy in the eye with a plastic dinner fork.
2. Be prepared. Take snacks, but avoid anything capable on transforming into a liquid state at room temperature. They’ll only wipe it on your clothes, the seats and the unfortunate passing toilet goers.
3. Be prepared 2. Take something to entertain them. A portable DVD for example. DO NOT take anything that comes in parts. If you thought leg room was limited in economy class, you want to try spending the entire flight in the foot-well looking for Mr Potato Head’s left arm.
4. Under no circumstances entrust your child with their own passport simply because they think it makes them appear all ‘grown up’. They’re kids, they’ll lose it, and it’ll end in divorce.
5. NEVER let your child engage in conversation with a custom’s officer, this especially applies if you’re keen on said customs officer not learning about the funny smelling cigarettes in your rucksack.
6. Just because your clever little boy always does his business on the potty at home, this doesn’t mean that when on an aeroplane, train or in the car they will give you adequate warning of any imminent discharges. They won’t. Put them in a nappy. In fact, make them wear two.
7. Under no circumstances should you smack your child in a public place. You’ll only attract the attention of professional super mums in the vicinity who’ll alert the authorities and spit at you while you’re carted off. Instead, wait until you’re not in a public place and hit them then.
8. It is a given that at some point during the eye-poppingly expensive holiday you’ve spent all year saving for, that at least one of your children will declare the whole thing to be ‘rubbish’ and/or ‘boring’. Prepare for this inevitability by ensuring there are no sharp objects within easy reach at any time.
9. Be aware of opportunities to offload your children on to other people. When your child makes a friend do what you can to appear mean and miserable; enough so that the other child’s family take pity and babysit your child for the whole week.
10. Drink as much as you can as often as you can. Either way you’ll end up a quivering wreck, so at least have some fun on the way.